Dear Neighbor,

I get it. You are very emotional people. Who, from what I have surmised after 21 years of living on the same street as you, do not get along very well. You tend to get into loud fights, usually when I am trying to go to sleep. It's okay though. You have emotions to get out in the form of "SCREAM-I-CAN'T-UNDERSTAND!!!!" and "FOUR-LETTER-WORD!!!". Because I see no end to these fights on the horizon, I have some suggestions:

1. Please have these fights in your front yard. If you are going to insist on waking me up, I would like to be able to hear what exactly it is you are shouting. Its hard to discern when you are in the back of the house.
   
2. Provide background information. Why are you mad? Why should I care? What do I, the listener/occasional viewer need to know for this story to make sense?
   
3. Always have fights between the hours of 10 pm and 3 am. Your neighbors are just sleeping. Its not like we need sleep to be productive members of society or anything.
   
4. If you are going to ignore #3 and fight during the day, please be sure to use as many curse words as possible while the elementary school students are walking home. They really need the vocab lesson (it is a public school after all.)
   
5. Really get into the fights. Use props. Beat each other with chairs, trash cans, or one of your many loud, untrained, obnoxious dogs.

I think that by following these 5 simple tips, not only will your fights be more entertaining when they wake me up they will also be more productive if you really get into #5. It'll be survival of the fittest.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to shout them at 2:37 in the morning in my direction.

Sincerely,
Me

I don't know about my neighbors, but when I get upset, I tend to reach for something sweet to eat. (Bet you were wondering how I was going to tie this into food.) I would like to suggest that next time they feel the urge to fight, they make cookies. I just made a batch of Peanut Butter Snicker cookies, and I think that these cookies could solve problems. I'm not suggesting they could solve all the world's problems but they are definitely cheaper than seeing a shrink.

Once again there are no pictures because I have no camera and they were all devoured (or frozen) within .5 seconds of being made. These can take some time to make (more than chocolate chip, less than anything involving royal icing), but the results are well worth it. Peanut butter, chocolate and caramel? Yes please.

Peanut Butter Snicker Cookies

1 peanut butter cookie dough recipe (I used the Joy of Cooking recipe which I would post but I really don't want to get out of bed to get the book. And people have strong opinions on peanut butter cookies. Use your favorite recipe.)
2 bags bite size Snickers

• Unwrap the Snickers. (I cut the top off all the wrappers then go back and just pop the candy out)
  
• Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
• Make peanut butter cookie dough but DO NOT BAKE... yet.
• Scoop 1.5 to 2 tbsp of cookie dough into your hand. Smoosh (technical term) the snickers into the dough and completely cover the candy. Roll around till it resembles a smooth roundish shape. (The candy needs to be thoroughly covered or caramel and nougat escape from their peanut buttery prison and make a big hard to clean up mess.)
• Bake on rack in the middle of the oven for 9-11 minutes. The number of cookies you put on a sheet depends on how much your dough spreads. Mine doesn't spread so I can usually fit between 12 and 16.
  
• Cool on cookie sheet for at least 10 minutes before eating unless you want 350 degree caramel stuck to the roof of your mouth. (Note: there is a reason it has been referred to as culinary napalm. It's hot. It sticks. And it burns. Just don't do it.)

Final note: These can be made in advance and frozen. Stop just before baking. Place the raw cookies on them on a wax paper covered cookie sheet (not touching each other) and freeze. In a ziploc bag they should last about 3 months. Bake without defrosting and up the time to 14-15 minutes.